Please pay special attention to the quote below:

An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

So here’s the story…..

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An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the
worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can
only find the negative in the positive.

For example, as a duck hunter, I was in the market for a new bird dog a
few years ago. My search finally ended when I found a dog that could not
only retrieve, but could actually walk on water! Of course I bought him
immediately but wasn’t sure how I’d tell my hunter buddies.

I decided to try to break the news to one friend at a time starting with a
long-time buddy who was also a hunter. He was a pessimist by nature, but
invited him to hunt with me and my new dog.

As we waited, carefully concealed by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.
We fired, and ducks fell at a distance. The dog responded and jumped into
the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the
water to retrieve the birds, never getting more than his paws wet. This
continued all day long–each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the
surface of the water to retrieve it.

My pessimist buddy watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a
single word about it the entire day.

On the drive home the silence was suddenly broken when my friend said,
“Too bad about your dog.”

A little surprised at his statement, I asked, “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” drawled the pessimist slowly, “it’s too bad ya got stuck with
one that can’t swim.”

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The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew
the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters
and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a Wayside Chapel
near the house…a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster
wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from
the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded
by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on
Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer
months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing
room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit
of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as
it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were
10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their
faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been
almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a
day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in
time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is
organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate
sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell, which rings
every time a person enters.  We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats
for all since many feel it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place
where you can be seen by all.

Sincerely,
Schoolmaster

Check out my other sites:

Handbook for Victorious Christian Living – practical ways to learn to live a victorious Christian life

Blueprint for Victorious Christian Living

Power of the Living Word

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1. Another Funny Story!
2. A Funny Hitchhiking Story
3. A funny "first kiss" story!

***************************************************************

A lady died in January, and Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it’s somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you that she died in January.”

Citibank: “The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply.”

Family Member: “Maybe you should turn it over to collections.”

Citibank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

Family Member: “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

Citibank: “Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!”

Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”

Citibank: “Excuse me?”

Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?”

Citibank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor”

Supervisor gets on the phone.

Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you she died in January.”

Citibank: “The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply.”

Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

Citibank: (stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”

Family Member: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (lawyer info given)

Citibank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

Family Member: “Sure.” (the fax number is given)

After they get the fax …

Citibank: “Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”

Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.”

Citibank: “Well, the late fees & charges do still apply.”

Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”

Citibank: “That might help.”

Family Member: “Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”

Citibank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?”

Check out my other sites:

Handbook for Victorious Christian Living - practical ways to learn to live a victorious Christian life

Blueprint for Victorious Christian Living

Power of the Living Word

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He was just a little boy,
On a week’s first day.
Wandering home from Bible school,
And dawdling on the way.

He scuffed his shoes into the grass;
He even found a caterpillar.
He found a fluffy milkweed pod,
And blew out all the ‘filler.’

A bird’s nest in a tree overhead,
So wisely placed up so high.
Was just another wonder,
That caught his eager eye.

A neighbor watched his zig zag course,
And hailed him from the lawn;
Asked him where he’d been that day
And what was going on.

‘I’ve been to Bible School,’
He said and turned a piece of sod.
He picked up a wiggly worm replying,
‘I’ve learned a lot about God.’

‘M’m very fine way,’ the neighbor said,
‘for a boy to spend his time.’
‘If you’ll tell me where God is,
I’ll give you a brand new dime.’

Quick as a flash the answer came!
Nor were his accents faint.
‘I’ll give you a dollar, Mister,
If you can tell me where God ain’t.’

Check out my other sites:

Handbook for Victorious Christian Living – practical ways to learn to live a victorious Christian life

Blueprint for Victorious Christian Living

Power of the Living Word

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2. A Poem – Don’t Quit

*****************************************************************

Noah’s Ark

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. “Noah took unto himself a wife,” he began, “and she was” – he turned the page to continue – “three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high.”

Check out my other sites:

Handbook for Victorious Christian Living – Practical ways to learn to live a victorious Christian life

Blueprint for Victorious Christian Living

Power of the Living Word

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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone # and was greeted with a child’s whisper

“Hello”

Is your daddy home? he asked.

“Yes.” whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?

The child whispered, “no.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”
“Yes.”

May I talk with her?

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman !!”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy.” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle……..

“ME !”

***************************************************************

Check out my other sites:

Handbook for Victorious Christian Living – Practical ways to learn to live a victorious Christian life

Blueprint for Victorious Christian Living

Power of the Living Word

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23RD PSALM FOR THE WORKPLACE

The Lord is my real boss and I shall not want.

He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.

He gently reminds me to pray before I speak and to do all things without murmuring and complaining.

He reminds me that He is my Source and not my job.

He restores my sanity every day and guides my decisions that I might honor Him in everything I do.

Even though I face absurd amounts of emails, system crashes, unrealistic deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping

co-workers, discriminating supervisors, and an aging body that doesn’t cooperate every morning, I will not

stop–for He is with me!

His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through.

He raises me up, even when they fail to promote me.

He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens to let me go.

His faithfulness and love are better than any bonus check.

His retirement plan beats every 401K there is.

When it’s all said and done, I’ll be working for Him a whole lot longer and for that, I bless His Name.

(from Mikey’s Funnies)

***********************************************************

Check out my other sites:

Handbook for Victorious Christian Living – Practical ways to learn to live a victorious Christian life

Blueprint for Victorious Christian Living

Power of the Living Word

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A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, ‘Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.’

‘Okay,’ the man says, ‘I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.’

‘That’s wonderful,’ says St.. Peter, ‘that’s worth two points!’

‘Two points?!’ he says.

‘Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.’

‘Terrific!’ says St. Peter.. ‘That’s certainly worth a point.’

‘One point!?!!’

‘I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.’

‘Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,’ he says.

‘ Two points!?!!

‘Exasperated, the man cries. ‘At this rate the only way I’ll get into heaven is by the grace of God.’

‘ Bingo ! 100 points ! Come on in!’

We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and duct tape.

God did it with a nail.

Check out my other sites:

Handbook for Victorious Christian Living – Practical ways to learn to live a victorious Christian life

Blueprint for Victorious Christian Living

Power of the Living Word

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______________________________________________________
To My Child,

Good morning, this is GOD.

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If you encounter a situation you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (Something For God To Do) box. It will be addressed in MY TIME, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it nor remove it. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem. If it is a situation you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution. Because I do not sleep, nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Please rest my child.

If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away. My prayer line is open 24 hours of your day. I love you and will always be with you wherever you may go. As with all good things, pass my message on.

Love, GOD

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AN  “AD”  FUNNY

The following is an ad from a newspaper that appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

MONDAY:

For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:

Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M.”

WEDNESDAY:

Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale — R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”

THURSDAY:

Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

Check out my other sites:

Handbook for Victorious Christian Living - Practical ways to learn to live a victorious Christian life

Blueprint for Victorious Christian Living

Power of the Living Word

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